Goodbyes
July 18, 2021
Saying Goodbye is Hard To Do…
I’ve had so many blog posts planned, things like how to get a job overseas, and comparing websites that help you. All ideas that were derailed since my mother passed suddenly on January 1st, 2021, literally at midnight in a shower of fireworks. I went from solid ground, excited for my future prospects, to a crumbling heart and mind.
Most of my thoughts were how young she was, and then, how young I was. I was too young to lose my mom. There was no will and her partner was just devastated and continues to barely be able to function. I could barely function, how was I supposed to keep teaching during a pandemic, take care of her, of her business, take care of him, my family, myself, and move overseas? It seemed so overwhelming, and it seemed all focused on saying goodbye.
But I did it, one small task at a time. I made compartments, one for business, and one for people. I’ve basically spent the last six months saying goodbye. Or a better way to say it, A Hui Ho or til we meet again as we would say in Hawaii (I lived there many years). I made this a priority, spending time with people, friends and students I loved.
I’ve hugged, held hands, and brushed away tears. I accepted goodbye art, well wishes and was given presents by many friends, kids, and work colleagues. I’ve kept my chin up in public, and held myself as I cried in the bathtub at night.
But I made it, I’m here in Asia, quarantine-ing in a hotel for fourteen days. Now I have time to just relax and breathe for the first time really, since January 1st, 2021.
I’m still sad, I will always be sad, missing my mom. I realize now, where she was, was home, still after all these years, despite me raising kids of my own, my mom was my home. I’m in the process of shifting some heart strings and am grateful for my friends. They kissed me goodbye and reminded me, I had a home with them always, no matter where I traveled to. My dad too, thankfully still living, also reminded me.
So now, the task is to remind myself: My home is where I am loved and accepted. It travels with me as I meet new people and form new spaces of love and acceptance. So to my beloved friends, family, and students, I say, love you, A Hui Ho, and I can’t wait to come home.
Here are some pictures of my goodbyes!
